she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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