He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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