hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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