Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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