if you like me you must not know who I am
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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