She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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