My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
