Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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