I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize