I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
