saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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