JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
