Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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