I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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