I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
