If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
