Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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