My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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