Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
