its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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