Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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