Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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