I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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