My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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