i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
