Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
