Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The uberlube is also flammable
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
