I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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