I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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