The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
