Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize