Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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