u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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