so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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