Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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