I met the friendliest cop last night
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
