There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
