i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
