Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
