SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
