R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
