Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
