please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
