you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
