This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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