That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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