How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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