he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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