if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize