those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
