They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize