I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Congratulations! We have a period
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
