Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
