can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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