Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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