There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
cat food counts as protein by the way
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
