I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
